The recipe for the perfect Halloween costume:
- It has to be eye-catching. The kind of get-up that immediately grabs onlookers' attention.
- It has to be subtle without being completely vague. You want people to spend a minute wondering what it is before they either figure it or come up to you and ask you what you're supposed to be.
- It has to fit in with the Zeitgeist of the times. (Either that, or it should be completely out of left field.)
- And the toughest part: figuring out a clever way to mesh low humor with cutting social satire.
You'll see good costumes every year, but the perfect costume comes along about as often as Matthew McConaughey makes a movie worth seeing.
Longtime Homerism associate El Guapo managed to pull it off this year. If you're a college football fan, you've no doubt seen it already on your favorite team's message board.
Guapo took time out of his busy schedule partying with the "2 Girls, 1 Cup" chicks and the "Chocolate Rain" guy to talk with Homerism about life as an Internet sensation and his muse, Tim Tebow.
(Note: Having known El Guapo for roughly two decades, I can attest that spending five minutes with him does not make you a better person. In fact, many would argue the opposite.)
Blatant Homerism: So how embarrassing was it buying a Florida t-shirt? I can just picture you standing there at the register trying to explain yourself to the disgusted cashier: "It's a joke! I swear! I can explain!"
El Guapo: My first plan to avoid the embarrassment was to buy a Tebow jersey online, but I could not bring myself to fork over the cash for a real jersey. My wife lovely wife actually went to buy the shirt for me. I think she knew how much the very idea of it offended my sensibilities.
BH: What was the motivation behind your costume choice this year? Why do you hate Tim Tebow?
Guapo: I don't hate Tim Tebow. He is a great college football player, and I think anyone who argues to the contrary is an idiot. What I hate is how he has been deified by The Media, as I attempted to depict with the...
BH: (interrupting): Yeah, I think everybody got that part. Very subtle.
Guapo (continuing): Anyway, if I have to see one more montage showing mission trips or Filipino circumcisions, my eyes may pop out of my head. Isn't everyone sick of the picture of him with the red paint on his face: "Ooh, is that blood? He's so tough!" Please.
And I admit it – he also beat my beloved Sooners in a fairly important game last year, so he's definitely not tops in my book of cool people. I also hate that supposedly he thought he was too cool to talk with Sam Bradford and Colt McCoy during last year's awards tour. I mean, the QBs from two bitter rivals can become friends and he can't come down from the CBS ivory tower long enough to say hi?
OK, maybe I do kinda hate him.
BH: Let's try to put a price on that hatred. How much did this outfit cost?
Guapo: It was $8 at Goodwill for the jacket and pants, $10 for the football pants and belt, $16 for the Florida shirt and $15 at the crafts store for paint and stuffing. What's that, $49? I own eye black, the Bible and a football, but you know that – I am from Oklahoma, after all.
BH: How long did it take you to put this together?
Guapo: The planning phase lasted several weeks. Execution, including drive time in Southern California traffic, was about 8 hours.
BH: OK, I'd say your time is worth about $10 per hour, so that's about $130. Not bad. I'm assuming this involved some kind of Faustian bargain? Are you prepared to be smote for all the glory your irreverence has brought you?
Guapo: If this costume is the basis for my eternal judgment and all else is forgiven, I'm in pretty good shape.
BH: I noticed you chose "Douche 3:16" as the Bible verse for your eye black. I'm embarrassed to say that I didn't have time to research the passage. Why is this verse special to you? Why do you think it was an appropriate choice for your homage?
Guapo: "Tool 3:16" sounded too harsh.
BH: Ha, ha. That's really funny... OK, I admit it – I don't get it.
Guapo: It's really just about Tebow here. He actually writes "Phil 4: 6-7" on his eye black. Loosely translated, this says, "Don't worry, Jesus has my back." I find that kind of presumption great fodder for satire. Does anyone think that the Big J.C. actually cares if Tebow beats Georgia? I don't think so. Hence, "Douche."
BH: How hard was it to convince Gary Danielson to participate?
Guapo: He jumped–or, more accurately, dropped–at the opportunity.
BH: So what are you going to be next year? John Wooden doing a line of blow off of a prostitute's stomach?
Guapo: It's impossible to come up with a good Halloween costume this far in advance. Timeliness is key. Blatant Homerism's readers will be the first to know when I do decide, though.